The Director and The Actor – Heaven or Hell?

What is it that makes a great working relationship between a director and an actor?

You could say it depends on who each of them is, personally and professionally, and you wouldn’t be wrong. But what I’m interested in is what makes a basic great relationship in that respect, and since I get to write this thing, I’m going to give you my point of view, from over 20 years of working with all kinds of people.

For me, as an actor, the work of putting together a character that is flesh-and-blood real, that has complexity and dimension, that is unpredictable as people are unpredictable, is an undertaking that is both broad and specific in its demands. And the demands are wonderful. For my money, it is its own kind of bliss to become acquainted with the character I am to play. I get to look at so many things about this “person”: their psychology, where they come from (financially, family-wise, culturally), their tendencies in terms of expectations, beliefs, general mood and outlook; how they might look, move, react. In looking at a personality in this fashion, one becomes a detective and a therapist and the compassion quotient rises. You begin to understand not just that character, but yourself and other people much better. It’s a trip, and it’s one that I love deeply.

But in building the character there is more than the character to consider. There is the story that surrounds the character. When I look at the character arc – the character’s journey from being one kind of person, or reacting in a certain kind of way, at the beginning of the play or movie, to being a different kind of person, or reacting in new kinds of ways at the end! - it is critical for the character arc to make sense. But that arc itself is in service to the arc of the entire work, the entire story as a whole, and not to the arc of the character only, as if that character lived in a bubble without being affected by the other characters and situations of the story.

The better the actor, the more this is understood. And the better the actor, the less of a diva experience on set or backstage, because that actor knows that every single person involved in that project is in service to the art, not to his or her own ego.

So the actor from heaven knows:

(1) How to build a character that is compelling and that grows as an organic thing within the story as an intrinsic part of that story.

(2) How to communicate her/his needs to the director in terms of his or her process, or in terms of needing to understand his or her character’s place in a given scene or in the story as a whole, if that is not clear.

(3) How to step back and be comfortable with simply having fun doing what one does best: acting! Sometimes one can not get an answer from the director that helps. It is useless to let this frustrate you, though it will – big time! It is best instead to just make your choices and keep on going! If it is a film, it is the editor, anyway, that will have the final say about what you do and how it looks on film, so your fate is not your own in any case…unless you’re Brad Pitt or Julia Roberts and can have a final say about final edits. At least, I assume that they can!

The actor from hell is a diva, is not nearly as talented as they think they are, and not-so-secretly wants to be the director – so makes inappropriate suggestions about considerations that are only in the bailiwick of the director.

So, what about the director? The director that is the director from heaven is the one that understands two very, very important things: (1) What the vision/focus of the project is; and (2) How the actor works, and how to support them in their work.

(1) The vision/focus of the project. If a director has only a vague idea of what s/he is trying to say, the actor is in the dark. It’s like swimming in a pool with no “other side” to kick off from. There has to be a very clear and compelling message, and there has to be a clear and compelling reason for each character’s appearance in the story. That’s up to the director to ensure.

(2) How the actor works, and how to support them in their work. The actor is not a machine with buttons for “Cry/Don’t Cry”, “Fear/Love” and so forth somewhere in their bodies that can be pushed at will at any moment, but that fact might surprise a great many people. Actors, and how they do what they do, are still a most mysterious quantity in the world; the “normie” (actress Rose McGowan’s term for someone who has chosen to have a “normal” life rather than an artistic one) spends life trying to keep things in order, keeping untidy emotions organized and rather hidden. The actor goes in completely the other direction, and that is why we love to watch them – it’s a visual catharsis for our senses. But that doesn’t mean we understand the individuals who voluntarily choose to stripe themselves emotionally naked in public! Well, it behooves the director to figure this out – to learn how to communicate with actors as a general rule, and to learn how to adjust for the literally unlimited types of actors that need all kinds of different modes in which to work! It’s not a small thing to learn, but if the director makes the effort, the results are what a Scorcese comes up with, or a Robert Redford, or a Steven Spielberg. Yeah, it’s well worth the effort.

Without these two things in place, the whole project goes to hell in a handbasket…. Without communication, without the director bringing an openness and a sense of learning to each and every project, the actor can easily get hamstrung and have to either bring their B-Game to the table, in order to get through the ordeal, or simply make choices that the director doesn’t like, but can’t figure out how to effectively communicate.

The director and the actor – a relationship in heaven or in hell? Depends – is everyone communicating and learning and co-creating something brand new out of the building blocks of mutual creativity? (Heaven!) Or is each party just doing their own thing and hoping that it magically works out, somehow, in the end? (Hell…)

It’s your choice, and mine, and that guy’s, and hers, and theirs…every single time we start something new. I choose Heaven. As often as I possibly can.

Actors! GET “PAID”!

This summer alone I have been offered three killer roles in three killer plays! One of them was Chicago.

I turned all three down. Why? Money as it applies to matching my output with the output of the theatre, and money as it applies to how long and far I would have to travel to the theatre for rehearsals and performances. Argh!!! It’s a tough one, but it’s a solid consideration, and I will tell you why!

I started onto the professional acting path in my early 30′s and it has now been a looooong time that I’ve been working on my craft. I started out in community theatre, for no money. That’s a great training ground, and I recommend it to this day for those who are starting out, and for those who have time on their hands and no financial woes to hold them back from just enjoying the participation in the art of theatre.

However, I am now of the mind that I should be paid for my work. We should be paid for our work, even if it’s just a little bit. I have been paid for my work many times, and I offer this thought for your consideration:

If we work for nothing, no money or other type of return on our investment of our time and talent, what are we saying to ourselves, and to those who “hire” us? That we’re dispensable, and that we are servile, and that we put our worth into the hands of those who hire us.

I wanted to be in Chicago, and it was hell turning them down. But when I learned that for this particular theatre (and yes, I should have found this out ahead of time), they offer one Union contract (translation: money – not scads and scads, but money), and for everyone else…bupkus!…I had to turn them down. For the first time, I felt offended by that discrepancy between the one Union (read: talented?) actor, and the reset of us, all of whom would be working equally hard!

Not acceptable! If a theatre is bringing in money to keep the theatre going, I think we all understand that that does not mean that they are bringing in corporation-style money! However, not to even pay for actors’ gas expenses is just wrong. Theatre is a 6-8 week undertaking at the non-Broadway level, and your time is worth something!

This is not a rant to go up against theatres, but a rant about how we tend not to stand up for ourselves. When we are offered something that is going to only take from, and not return enough “in kind” to you, there is a problem with self-respect. And we need to respect our art, our talent, ourselves and our time.

Theatres and actors can work together, but we actors have got to stop putting our wares out there as though there are millions of other options. There may be millions of other actors, but only one of you. And if you don’t make sure – when you choose whether or not to take a gig – that you are getting something back that makes you feel as though the exchange is even,  you are discounting yourself, and you are taking others down with you. That’s not the way to get to the next level.

So be it gas money, exposure, an important credit for your resume, or money big or small – make sure you are placing yourself at the top of your own pantheon. Nobody else will do it for you. That’s a part of the business of acting that nobody tells you, but I’m telling you. Think about what’s good for you too, because that kind of attitude will extend far beyond your acting world, into all kinds of life choices.

*************

Visit Lori’s new channel, Empowerment Vision TV, at YouTube.com. It is in the early stages of development, and moving forward.

Uncomfortable Communications

An astrologically savvy friend of mine just told me that we are in a period of uncomfortable communications, thanks to the planets. Makes sense! With the partner, with the people around me, I have noticed the extra effort necessary for me to deal peacefully and clearly with others.

For instance, my roommate Vince lost his sister last week; she died of a sudden and massive stroke. We went to the funeral home for the service and it was lovely. Then we went outside to speak to some family members before getting into the car. When we got into the car and looked for the hearse, it was gone. It had left without us! And we ended up lost in Colma City. Not an optimal state for someone who is grieving the passing of his last sibling (there were 11)!

How the hell does a funeral director lose the primary family member? How the hell does the funeral director not check to be sure that the family member is in the first car?

Vince has let this go. Me, I’m still needing to communicate about it. Poor funeral director; he’s going to hear from me.

Poor me, I’m going to have to find a way to do it without heat. I’m simply going to ask him what happened. And I’m going to request that he apologize to Vince. But how much more fun it would be to pull a 90210 or (insert your own bubble gum show here), and just pull a hissy fit and be righteous!

*sigh*

Instead, I have to be mature, because I demand that effort of myself.

Do you know my regret about that choice in my life? It is that I wasn’t more obnoxious when I was younger and could actually get away with it! I know I wasn’t perfect, but I also know that I spent far too much time trying to be “good” and stopping myself from some real rock-and-roll responses!

And that just got worse when I encountered spirituality. But being a “good girl” or “good boy” doesn’t really buy you ”God points”. If it buys you feeling something wonderful, then you’re on to something. I feel solid about saying this because if there is anyone who has tried to be a good girl – even a perfect girl – it is me. But it doesn’t buy me anything. When I instead just allow myself to be me, the goodness comes out on its own, along with the stuff that needs fixing.

Also, then and only then do I know what truly needs fixing. I avoid a lot of self-judgment that way. I avoid, “Oh, I shouldn’t say/do/think this or that,” putting an internal police force on my internal experiences. Instead, when I do say/do/think something that causes discomfort to me or someone else, then the work begins.

So these uncomfortable communications are not just with others, but are more importantly with my own self. Can you imagine how wonderful it would be to truly love yourself, truly communicate compassionately and lovingly and joyously with yourself? Can you imagine how your communications with others would alter as a result?

Well, if controlling myself in a conversation with a funeral director will give me some practice that I can apply to my own self, maybe it will all be worth it.

Because I will communicate. No matter what. I find it a far better path than being a good girl. A far better path, and far more productive. Every time I take the time to listen – take a breath and hold my feelings in enough abeyance to let someone else’s take up some neighboring space – I find so many interpersonal issues melting away. I also find that my appreciation of the beauty of communication grows and grows, as does my understanding of how little it is taught to us poor human beings when we’re young and porous and adaptable.

No wonder we’re all disconnected. And then the stars come along, do a do-si-do that makes us even more disconnected, and we’re all in the soup again.

Oh well…let’s get through this astrological time. No, I don’t know when it will end. I don’t even know when it started. Here’s all that I know: it’s difficult and uncomfortable … and I don’t want to talk about it!

Peace, Passion and Patience,

and Happy July 4th!

Lori

Michael Jackson – Judgment and Compassion

When I heard that Michael Jackson had died, and I felt compassion for this troubled man rise up in me, I had to be honest.

Now that he had passed, I felt so very sorry for someone so troubled – someone I had seen grow from a sweet, charming little boy into a lost man-child of incredible talent and terrible judgment. I had held a distaste for this man’s actions closer to me than compassion for his troubles. And that was easy to do – his involvement of children in his odd world was seriously disturbing; the destabilization of his appearance was seriously troubling.

But I had to wonder: why did it take death for me to feel sorry for Michael Jackson? What stopped me from adding compassion into my mix of thinking about him? And wouldn’t he have been more helped by prayer than by the attitude of distaste that I took? Some of his behaviors were seriously inappropriate; incorrect; not at all palatable. But what is true of him – what is true of all of us – is that bad behavior comes from pain. There is no escape from that truth. And seriously bad behavior comes from serious pain – emotional, physical, mental.

So what had I been waiting for before I would invest in some hope and prayer and compassion for this man? Was I waiting for him to correct his behavior? No, that wasn’t it. Was I waiting to see if it would be proven that he had been inappropriate with children, and in what ways, so that I would know how I should feel? Should judge?

Yes.

But why?

Because then I could know that my judgment was correct. Then I could know which side of judgment to come down on with a comfortable feeling of righteousness. And that’s a very small way to be. When I realized this, I couldn’t feel comfortable about my smallness. I could have done better, and now I knew it.

I did not personally know Michael Jackson. I don’t know anyone who did. And yet, because I believe that we are all connected, I feel sure that I would have been of some help to this man if I had invested in some compassion, a little prayer, and an attitude that included both discrimination and compassion.

And the big question that I am left with is this: Can I apply that understanding to people in my life right now? If we could all do that – view bad behavior with the firmness of discrimination and the compassion of understanding – what a change would come to our world!

Thank you, Michael, for the beauty of your spirit, your music, your dance. And thank you, Michael, for the lesson.

God bless and free you, my brother.

My Maxwell – Communication Beyond Words

You might say he was just a cat. 

You would be wrong.  He was – and is – my heart.

Maxwell came into my life  when I was particularly fragile, emotionally, and he was my rock.  My little furry bundle of exploration who followed me from room to room – something I hadn’t expected.  I’d never had a cat before, so I hadn’t known that that is what they do.  I didn’t know that cats talk with their faces, with their energy, with their sheer presence.

Maxwell did.

He developed a habit he kept for the next 12 years:  he suckled my earlobe! It was partially my doing, because I had the habit of picking him up and planting him on my shoulder like a baby.  And because he was a baby, he went for my earlobe.  I would say, “Hey, there’s no milk in there, but if it makes you happy, go for it!” Sometimes at night he would snuggle up against my side – displacing my arm in order to it.  He let me snake an arm under his body to scratch his tummy and then we would fall asleep together. 

We belonged to one another.

He had an amazing tendency to know when I was upset, and he would sit by me or on me and reach out with a paw and put it on my face, or my hand, reminding me that he was there and that he loved me.

Maxwell was also madly possessive. When my other cat, Lucy, wanted attention, he would get up and walk away – no way was he sharing me with her!

I have never in my life said “I love you” more times to any one person or thing than I did to Maxwell. He snuggled with me. He demanded kitty treats. He looked at me with expressions that spoke to me.  Before I had a cat, I would never in a million years have understood any of these things!  I thought of pets as sort of advanced forms of furniture in one’s life.  I have gone through a huge change in my 18 years with my Max.

Particularly for those of us who have no kids, cats and dogs and other pets are our children; children we know will probably not live beyond their 18th birthdays but who will stamp themselves indelibly on our souls.

An amazing, compassionate, and God-sent vet – Sue Hughes of the Chabot Veterinarian Clinic in Castro Valley, California – ushered Maxwell out of his body.  She did so with kisses and whispers of reassurance  to Max that what we were going to do would not be uncomfortable. As my Maxwell began to leave his body, I said a Hindu prayer for him:  Lokah Samastah Sukinho Bhavantu, Om Shanti Shanti Shanti, Om Shri Gurubhyo Namaha, Hari Hi Om.  “Shanti” means “peace”, and after Max had passed, Sue looked at me and said in the hushed tones she had used throughout, “Shanti is what he has now.”

One day – only one day – after Maxwell left his body, a friend came to comfort me. She hugged me and said, “Oh my goodness! I feel Maxwell! He is in your heart!”  Her saying that was a kind of permission for me that I didn’t even know I had needed.  Suddenly, I felt him too!  He wasn’t gone for good – just his body was gone. But his energy, his love was with me still, in an active, real way!

As my friend left me that evening, I asked her to see if she still felt him, and she hugged me, confirming it.  “He loves being in incorporeal form! It allows him to be closer to you. He can come and go as he pleases and be really close to you!”

Not even with my mother had I kept this sense of connection after death. Suddenly I understood a little more about communication beyond words, about how people survive loss: by actually feeling the spirit of that person with them. 

I love my Maxwell. I miss his body terribly. But I’m grateful beyond telling that I can feel him with me.  I find myself – this third day without him – talking to him throughout the day.  I may have to wear a bluetooth as I do this so nobody locks me up, but hey it’s worth it.

“C’mon Maxwell,” I say, “let’s go do our errands.”

And curled around my heart, as unwilling as I to stop the communication of our hearts, he makes his presence known, and we go through our day, together.  Tears are reserved for another time; for times when I forget briefly that communication and connection are lasting and real, and can exist far beyond words.

Moving Into Success

We were all raised the same way in the beginning:  learn and obey the rules,  absorb the subject and get the good grade, work hard and grab the brass ring…maybe.

I don’t think anyone could have failed to notice that while we all received those messages, we have not identically moved forward in life. 

Rather than offer the latest Do-This-and-Succeed technique, I would like to offer an alternative thought, an alternative attitude, and a question you can ask yourself which has the ability to lead to a unique truth:

What is success?

The first thought that comes to my mind when someone asks me that is moneymoneymoney.  Not only was I programmed that way – as you probably were – but I have figured out what we all know:  money is very handy!  It’s not the only measure of success, and it is not the only path available to realizing one’s goals, but it is by far the most alluring and instantly comforting of paths.

Give me a million dollars, we say to ourselves, and I can make a helluva life!

But once upon a time, when although I had no funds of my own, money was not an issue, I still found myself without that ”helluva life”.  I had been confronted suddenly with family illness and heavy responsibilities at a time when I myself was laid low with a nervous breakdown.  Yes, Iwas lucky that money was not an issue for me at the time.  But I still nearly lost my life.  What saved me surprised me; equally surprising was that success suddenly looked very different to me than it ever had before.

Success became mental health, the capability to be emotionally open, free and empowered enough to set my own rules, and the ability to hold a job.

I eventually obtained all of these success goals.  It took a span of years to accomplish it, but accomplish it I did.

And moving past those goals, I realized that my definition of success was only going to deepen.  I eventually became a speaker, an actress, a published author – careers that call for self-expression – for showing up in the world – even though for the 30 previous years I had hidden behind social “niceness”, evading my own emotions and just trying to “survive”.

I speak to groups and individuals now about emotional challenges – their depth, their survivability, their potential gifts – and the remarkably unexpected ways in which we can expand our lives when we expand our definitions of ourselves:  what we are capable of, or that which we would like to become capable of.  It is our birthright to live a life of self-defined fulfillment, but it is not a given.  It depends upon us to find the tools that help us grab that birthright, and run with it!

Two of the most powerful tools for moving into a self-defined and powerful life are emotional freedom and self-expression.

Emotional freedom simply means that you are able to speak up for yourself and be open, both with your own self and with others:  to say no, yes, or maybe; to know what it is you are feeling and have greater control over your choice of responses; to set emotional and physical boundaries for yourself; to set goals and pathways for yourself and move down them without allowing fear, self-doubt, or any other kinds of emotions stop you from blazing trails of your own desiring, your own defining.

Self-expression has a lot to do with courage.  Think I might be wrong about that?  Consider that the #1 fear in this country is public speaking.  That’s not surprising when you consider that as we speak our minds, our desires, our truths, we are showing up in our lives emotionally undressed.  The extent to which we can be comfortable with that is the extent to which we have become comfortable with ourselves.

Actors and singers seem to have a corner on this self-expression thing, but that perception is faulty.  Yes, being in the public eye is doable for these people.  But emotional freedom and self-expression are not skills reserved only for the performing artist. Anyone can acquire them, and everyone should look for ways to do so.  They are skills that are necessary for success in business and in life, and they are skills that go untaught in schools.

For me, now, success is something larger than money.  Sure, money is still a part of success; like I said, money comes in very handy indeed, and I won’t turn it down!  But success has an even broader and deeper definition.  Now it has more to do with who I am in the world, how I “show up” for myself in using my abilities, my gifts, my passion, my love.  Success is working with, working through and releasing fear, self-doubt, unworthiness, powerlessness so that I can continue to walk in the direction of self-fulfillment.  Success is my increasing ability to treat myself with kindness and patience where once I would have scolded and maligned myself for falling short of some perfectionistic mark.

There are so many kinds of self-growth tools to help us approach an individualistic life, but there is only one yardstick for deciding which tools are best:  choose those which feel good, and right, and true to you for as long as they feel useful and supportive for you.  Ironically, it takes some time, some failures, and some successes in learning these “Emotional Linguistics”TM for us to even understand what “true to me” means.  But we can learn, and learn well.

And when fear arises because you are actively moving in another direction from those early messages of “learning and obeying the rules”, you can choose to redefine your success in those moments by defining success uing the most unique criteria of all:  are you acting in a way that supports, encourages and cares for you – inside yourself and/or out in the world?

If so, you have just moved – again – into success.

Lori Kirstein
Lori Kirstein & Associates – Keynote Speeches & Workshops
“The Emotional Linguist”TM
www.LoriKirstein.com
(510) 508-4708

What is “Emotional Linguistics”TM?

Like Linguistics, which is the study of the science of language, “Emotional Linguistics”TM has as its main focus the ways in which we interact verbally with one another – and with ourselves.

Unlike Linguistics, “Emotional Linguistics”TM addresses not only the how’s and why’s of communication - mastery, depth of understanding, emotional effects - but the psychological and mental-emotional connections within ourselves as well which, when understood, can free us to live lives of progressively more freedom, passion, self-expression, self-empowerment, compassion, centeredness and truth.

Lori Kirstein of Lori Kirstein & Associates coined the term “Emotional Linguistics”TM to reflect the depth and breadth of her work as a speaker and performer.   Lori promotes successful and enhanced life experiences through greater communication, broader definitions of goal-setting, and more emotionally flexible, distinct and meaningful interactions.

To book Lori for keynote speeches or workshops, contact her at LoriKirstein@sbcglobal.net.  Her office number is (510) 508-4708.

Let the Communication Revolution Begin!

We twitter and tweet, we “talk” on Facebook and MySpace, we IM and we text.

But all it takes is one quick glance at the world around us to know that we have forgotten how to COMMUNICATE!

You’d never know it if you judged only by our computerized “communities”, but communicating is not just shooting information at one another as a quick-and-easy fulfillment of some perceived duty to “stay in touch”. If should not be an empty gesture in a lifestyle of empty gestures. And yet it so often is; it seems so often to be proof of our interpersonal devolution.

And although it can be a royal pain in the arse to really take the time to truly communicate – exchange information that has some kind of value, depth and true meaning, and then dare to stay “in the room” of the relationship during the resultant fallout - this is where we must go if we want to find meaning in our lives and in our relationships.

Can we really call it communicating when we go onto Facebook and write, “I just had my morning coffee”??? Come on!

I want to hear about what makes your life tick – and I know it ain’t coffee! – and I want to tell you about what makes my life tick too!

I want to tell you about my dedication to truly connecting with people, and that sometimes it gets me hurt when people don’t understand me, and sometimes I receive the huge reward of deeply feeling something that can’t be faked:  heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind connection that bypasses differences of all sorts. I want to be a voice so large that those who hear me have to listen to their OWN true voices, and feel compelled to start to truly communicate, truly share, truly form friendships that mean something.

Because I doubt that the coffee drinker and I are going to form such a tight connection that if he or I is in trouble, we will run to help each other. That kind of commitment comes either from duty, or from real friendship. And real friendship is borne of shared depths, mutual woundings and healings, shared emotional intimacies, and time.

I am a professional speaker who is committed to this message: we are emotional beings who are one another’s emotional lifeblood, and we need to open and risk learning how to truly hear one another, and reveal our true selves.

So, whether or not I get hurt in the process, let the Communication Revolution begin!